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As the kids get older you can no longer avoid observing key dates in the year like halloween and bonfire night, so I figure I’ll get a pumpkin and carve it because it seems like something I might enjoy and messing it up results in nothing lost other than the 79p it cost to buy the pumpkin in the first place.

I approached this as I approach most things, don’t do any research because I figure I can work it out as I go along. So out come the knives and choppity chop!


First thing, nobody told me how digusting it is inside a pumpkin. I mean, it’s disgusting in there. It’s like some sort of slimy sloppy hell on earth. Naturally, upon seeing this orange stringy bucket of doom I immediately roped in the kids to scoop out the worst of it. They loved it so it’s a win all round!

Next up, sketch out a rough design, which you can see here being signed off by the foreman, Bruce.


Then, out come the knives again and chop chop chop. It’s here I went a bit wrong making the mouth too big. But I think it came out OK


Now I learned something. Apparently you can’t put candles in pumpkins now. Because apparently they set little kids on fire because childrens fancy dress costumes are basically made of carrier bags and magnesium and will go off like a firework if placed even in the same room as an open flame. So I then had to fashion a lighting system out of battery powered LED lights. Which also went OK.

The next problem however was that I had only made one pumpkin. This is “A BAD THING” because there are two children and based on their reaction to there only being one pumpkin I might as well have thrown all their toys on the fire and danced around whilst laughing and screaming obsenities in their little faces.

So off for another pumpkin and I deliberately purchased the smallest and crappest one as these tiny little victories are all that I have left.

This time I allowed Bruce to do the design. He refused at first so I drew the one on the left to give him some prompts on what he should do. He got as far as an eye and a mouth and I asked him “what about the other eye” and he replied “no Daddy those are all mouths” so he’s clearly got into the horror thing pretty quickly. I added an extra eye for effect and the design was done.


AND FINALLY they look alright I suppose. This is a 456 word post about pumpkins. Just sayin’.


They do love dressing up them boys