Wilf the dog asked me to photograph him in his new guise as a mysterious hypnotist. He’s touring the country doing live shows where he gets people to chase their tail and lick themselves (you know where, so don’t ask) and do other hilarious things which people shouldn’t do, it’s a post modern ironic look at hypnotism from the point of view of a Staffordshire Bull Terrier. I said I thought it was typical elitist egotistical Wilf looking down on people and humiliating them for his own amusment, he said I should stick to cleaning up his poo and leave the critique to the experts.

He needed a photograph for the posters, and I was happy to oblige and shoved my new Leica right in his little ginger face.

Coming soon to a local theater near you.

So you can imagine I had certain expectations when the man came to install my Sky+ HD box this weekend. I had previoulsy checked the connections on a friends HD box to ensure that the required connector was there for my TV. It was, so I placed the order. Of course when the installer arrives they’ve changed the box design, why wouldn’t they, the total ass hats. So I have to go out and buy adaptors and cables and so on, but not the end of the world.

Except none of my HD channels are working and my Sky movies subscription is telling me I have the wrong viewing card….. Only two days, one phone call and 30 minutes on the phone so far. But it’s still not working. So basically I’ve “upgraded” from Sky+ to Sky+ HD( - HD) which is the same *%£!ing thing I started with!

At least it’s Christmas as well so I can expect to miss all the films that are on over the next few days. Rage.

See what I did there was replace the word look with leica which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Until….

BLAM

Oh yes, that’s all the way in your face. It’s my new Leica camera and although I’ve yet to use it in anger I can confirm it is the greatest thing in the history of things.

What happened is I married this amazing woman and then some time later she bought me this thing as a present and that’s pretty much it, except for all the stuff in between of course.

Anyway, back to the techno camera fetish stuff, drool slather etc.

If you have to ask why this camera is good then you won’t like the answer, and you will also think I am a tool. Which I may be, but how dare you think that about me?

Good day.

Aside from being overwhelmingly cute and funky, these Fiats are also absurdly specified as standard with all kinds of bluetooth and mp3 whizbangery taking place.

On to the pictures, because frankly no-one cares what I say.

This rig shot is a mixed bag - I’m happy enough with the composition and processing, but I’m gutted I forgot to put the lights on which would have looked much better.

The first problem with the Lomo Fisheye2 is that it takes forever to fill a 36 exposure roll of film, so when you eventually get back your film it contains stuff from months ago. This is annoying, trust me. For instance, 5 months after the Weston-super-Mare Pier fire I’ve only just got my fisheye photos of the event back.

Oh, and they are rubbish.

And that’s not the biggest problem - I see some pretty exciting and interesting images taken with the fisheye2 when I look around the interweb, but I can’t seem to take any at all. I sit and scan in the negatives which takes absolutely ages then look at the results and wish I hadn’t bothered. There must be something wrong with you, you annoyingly cute looking quirky object of my ire.

I’ve tried crazy angles, close up, long range, and all I get is a picture that looks like a normal photo with a dark circle drawn over it. Take these for example - this one is from the center of the longleat maze, I thought it would turn out great but instead I hate it.

I suppose if I had taken a normal photo at the same time I might see something special about the fisheye one, but I didn’t so I don’t and so now I officially hate you Lomo Fisheye2. And what I hate about you more than anything is that I bought 5 rolls of 36 exposure film that I don’t want to put inside you. I’ll sell you on ebay and I hope you get bought by some clumsy fool who drops you and smashes you all up.

“Ooh look at me with my mad perspective and converging verticals, aren’t I kooky and unique?” No you are a gimmick and rubbish. And I hate you. In fact, that’s it, where is my hammer….

A more balanced man might consider his own shortcomings and perhaps give some thought to the possibility that it may infact not be the camera that is to blame - after all, other people seem to manage to take good photos with the Lomo Fisheye2…

Don’t be silly. It’s the camera that is to blame, how could it possibly be me. Goodbye Lomo Fisheye2. I wont miss you.

Anyway, I found this script so I scanned it in cos I reckon it sounds dead exciting. I don’t get what all the crossing out stuff is about but anyway, here you go.

Opening up and we see a mysterious storyline as a man and woman investigate paranormal goings on together and there are all sorts of conspiracies as governments big businesses do lots of dodgy things.

How does JJ Abrams come up with these amazing ideas? Read the script, it will blow your tiny little mind.

I think this show would be amazing and even better would be if you took the exact same music soundtrack from an episode of Lost and put it over the top of this for added mystery and menace, ooooh how amazing does that sound?

Haaaaaa this is of course a joke because I’m pretty sure JJ Abrams didn’t just steal an old X-Files script and change the names from Mulder and Scully to Peter and Anna. I just thought that I’d follow on from my review of the film crash (which is the best thing ever written by anyone ever) with another review of the new TV show The X-Files Fringe. The bit about the Lost music is clearly true though, and it has got Pacey from Dawson’s creek in it being all grown up.

Before I loaded the first film in London, I removed the 6×6 mask from the camera. I wanted to know if it would get me slightly less uniform light fall off at the edges of the image and it did that. It’s also however given me a massive light leak as shown in most of these photos. I’m still undecided on how I feel about that but I think I like it.

Obligatory tourist shots of Trafalgar Square:

Trafalgar Square, 10th October 2008
Holga 120cfn
Fuji Provia 400

Trafalgar Square, 10th October 2008
Holga 120cfn
Fuji Provia 400

Trafalgar Square, 11th October 2008
Holga 120cfn
Fuji Provia 400

On the way to the V&A we got off at South Kensington station, and wandered the rest of the way in the sunshine, after I pressed my face up against the glass of the Lamborghini London showroom!

South Kensington, 11th October 2008
Holga 120 CFN
Fuji Provia 400

As we walked round the Victoria and Albert museum I had visions of some amazing series of images called “The V&A from the hip” but what happened was virtually every single shot was underexposed to the point of being unusuable. Ho hum.

Still, using a statue as a makeshift tripod (no tripods allowed in the V&A) I managed this one with a manual (approximate) 3 second exposure.

V&A Museum, 11th October 2008
Holga 120cfn
Fuji Provia 400
Manual 3 second exposure on bulb mode

Outside was a different story, as I shot off a couple of frames in the John Madejski Garden. I then decided I’d try once more at a panoramic shot with the Holga. This failed miserably last time I tried it, but I sat there working it all out first, then had a crack. Click to re-bigulate this.

John Madejski Garden, V&A Museum, 11th October 2008
Holga 120cfn
Fuji Provia 400

I loaded some colour negative film into the camera for the last roll, to give myself a break from all the E6 slide film I’ve been using recently. I’m not sure what this is supposed to be though.

South Kensington Tube Station, 11th October 2008
Holga 120cfn
Kodak Portra 400

On the final day in London I had a couple of frames to finish off the film so as we walked to the tube to head back to Paddington I shot off the last few.

The colours from the Kodak Portra just look flat and lifeless after the Provia. As the Provia was about 5 years out of date and the Portra was brand new, it doesn’t say much for the Kodak film. Luckily I still have 20 or so rolls of Fuji E6 film to work my way through.

Following our horrorshow attempt to visit Venice earlier this year, I thought we’d seen the last of our travel woes. I was wrong.

Paddington station, 13:00 Sunday afternoon, our train is on the board showing “on time” to leave at 14:03. Then right before my eyes….

Approximately 20 trains all get cancelled at once, and some station announcer clown mumblingly slurs out an incomprehensible sequence of gibberish of which the only bit I could understand was “wait for furhter information”. What I want to know is, what is so special about Birmingham Snow Hill station? ANSWER ME!

I wont mention the mad as a box of frogs lady who cornered me and talked to me for 10 minutes about the voices in her head. Oh wait I just did.

Eventually a train to Taunton leaves, and we scurry down platform 3 only to find we are joined by three quarters of the entire number of passengers waiting to leave Paddington, so the train is packed to bursting point. Cue an hour spent crushed on the floor of the carriage entrance next to a toilet.

Did I mention Sunday was my birthday? Happy Birthday Ben!

London was great though, pictures to follow when I get my films back.

Bonkers loud and 300BHP ensure it’s quite an event to drive, I was tempted to buy it myself but decided I’d stick with my little Fiesta for now until (if? when?) the fuel prices ever go back to a bearable level.

These were taken for Richard over at Performance Car Dreams.