When the landline rings at half past ten at night, we don’t tend to answer it. Firstly because we don’t give out our landline number, and secondly because if it’s important we’ve both got mobiles people can ring.

So last night we ignore the phone and when it stops ringing I grab it to do the old 1471 trick, at which point I notice there is an answer phone message…

What followed was slightly unexpected but also quite entertaining.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say it was a crank call – because I find it extremely difficult to imagine the caller actually has done the things he claims to have done.

Please note, if you find foul language or Manchester accents offensive, then don’t listen to this. Or Oasis records.

If you don’t mind listening to the quavering pubescent voice of sweary Manchester troll children then go ahead and listen to the gibbering little cretin child spewing his bile all down my phone line.

Click here for standalone player

My personal favourite bit is “classic doggy”.

I do wish I’d answered the phone now, so I could have corrected the poor little moron and told him he had the wrong number.